9. Saturday 19th May 2012

It's 2:01am and I'm still awake. I'm lying here in the dark and I feel like I'm about to explode from the pain of missing home. It's hard to explain though.

I hate how selfish people can be. Particularly Sydneysiders. They do not let you in onto the roads, they are rude, bad drivers etc. But mostly they are too wrapped up in their own lives to notice someone else suffering silently alongside them.

It's 2:04am and I can hear people talking and cooking toast. I long for my room with my bed and my dog and the faniliarity of the green walls. I want normality back. Done with uni. Done with sickness. Done with leaving.

Everytime I go home, the harder it is to leave again.

8. Wednesday the 16th of May 2012

Things are not good. Yeah I'm sitting on the couch in my pyjamas and ugg boots feeling extremely sorry for myself. I know it's pathetic. It's extremely pathetic and I don't want to be feeling like this.

My operation is in three weeks. I'm so freaking scared. I just want it to be over. I want to be normal and to feel normal. I'm tired of being sick and of being tired all the time. I feel so run down and the more I talk to people about it, the more I bore them.

I'm struggling. So hard. I'm trying so hard but I'm failing. I pretty much failed my entire first semester of my university course. I paid five grand to fucking fail and drop out anyway. I physically cannot do this anymore. So I'll do what I always do. Run away and quit when things get rough.

I don't even know what I want and how am I supposed to? How are we expected to make life decisions at eighteen that will affect the rest of our lives. How are we expected to know what we want to do? It's not fair. Everyone else around me seems so incredibly sure of themselves. I hate myself for not knowing what I want.

Worst of all, I found out some devastating news on Sunday that will affect my family in the long run. I don't think I am strong enough to cope with it. But we'll see.

I'm definately not an optimist. There's no fucking way I am.

All I know is, I don't know anything.

7. Thursday the 3rd of May

I have lost all hope and that scares me to death.

When did I get like this?