10. Tuesday the 5th of June 2012

It's almost 2am and I have a sandwich.

End of story.

9. Saturday 19th May 2012

It's 2:01am and I'm still awake. I'm lying here in the dark and I feel like I'm about to explode from the pain of missing home. It's hard to explain though.

I hate how selfish people can be. Particularly Sydneysiders. They do not let you in onto the roads, they are rude, bad drivers etc. But mostly they are too wrapped up in their own lives to notice someone else suffering silently alongside them.

It's 2:04am and I can hear people talking and cooking toast. I long for my room with my bed and my dog and the faniliarity of the green walls. I want normality back. Done with uni. Done with sickness. Done with leaving.

Everytime I go home, the harder it is to leave again.

8. Wednesday the 16th of May 2012

Things are not good. Yeah I'm sitting on the couch in my pyjamas and ugg boots feeling extremely sorry for myself. I know it's pathetic. It's extremely pathetic and I don't want to be feeling like this.

My operation is in three weeks. I'm so freaking scared. I just want it to be over. I want to be normal and to feel normal. I'm tired of being sick and of being tired all the time. I feel so run down and the more I talk to people about it, the more I bore them.

I'm struggling. So hard. I'm trying so hard but I'm failing. I pretty much failed my entire first semester of my university course. I paid five grand to fucking fail and drop out anyway. I physically cannot do this anymore. So I'll do what I always do. Run away and quit when things get rough.

I don't even know what I want and how am I supposed to? How are we expected to make life decisions at eighteen that will affect the rest of our lives. How are we expected to know what we want to do? It's not fair. Everyone else around me seems so incredibly sure of themselves. I hate myself for not knowing what I want.

Worst of all, I found out some devastating news on Sunday that will affect my family in the long run. I don't think I am strong enough to cope with it. But we'll see.

I'm definately not an optimist. There's no fucking way I am.

All I know is, I don't know anything.

7. Thursday the 3rd of May

I have lost all hope and that scares me to death.

When did I get like this?

6. Monday the 30th of April 2012

I'm lost. I am so lost and confused and left wondering why this is happening to me. I can't walk. My knee is strapped up in this huge brace and it's incredibly painful.

And to top that all off, I'm sick with glandular fever. Oh and I'm having an operation on my ears for the third time.

When did my life get like this? A constant stream of trips to doctors and specialists. I'm seeing an orthapedic surgeon tomorrow. I'm scared. I'm so so scared. I don't want to have an operation. I don't want to be able to not dance even though my course is hard and I know I'm failing.

I can't get out of bed and I hate that. Everything has become too hard for me and I have no motivation to complete assignments of which I have 17 due before the 15th of June. I just want to come home. That is all I want. And no one will let me. I can't live here on my own anymore. Being alone is driving me crazy. I want to go home and get better. And be with people who love me and maybe then I'll start feeling happy again.

I just want to feel like myself again. I miss the old me from before I moved to lonely Sydney. I just don't know what to do and I'm confused. Maybe withdrawing from the course is for the best. But it makes me die inside everytime I hear that.

I don't know. I really just don't know.

5. Sunday the 22nd of April

Well last night there was a fire at work so the restaurant is closed until Tuesday so we got Sunday and Monday off which is lovely because I am still not so well. So I've been lying in bed watching season one of Grey's Anatomy and it's so so so so good! I don't know why I haven't watched it before. I'm already at the last episode.

I really need to do my assignments though. I was doing them this morning whilst watching Grey's Anatomy.

Right now though I'm on a train headed to the city because I'm lonely and I want to sort of have a little shop for some wintery clothes. I found a lovely skirt at Dotti that I'm going to try find a cheaper version of.

I'm still so tired. I keep falling asleep texting people at night and waking up at like 10:30am and I'm still exhausted. It's weird.

Mann I shouldn't have worn heels into the city but whatever I like them. At least I got a nice train into the city. I'll get a yucky one going back though most likely.

I would really like to come home still and just sleep in my own bed.

The train is almost at central so I have to get off soon.

I'm probably still not well enough to go roaming around the city but I'm going to do it anyway.

That is all.

4. Saturday the 21st of April 2012

This week has been extremely challenging and I cannot tell you how glad I am to see the end of it. I am physically and mentally tired. My body is suffering from the intense nature of my dance course and my knee is about to give out.

Dad came to Sydney today to help me try and make some sense of everything. Once he left though, I was a wreck. I went to the doctors and they don't know what's wrong with me. We talked about all the possibilities for next semester and next year. We talked about me working full time until the end of the year and then possibly starting university in Canberra next year. But I really don't know what I want. As much as I love dance, I really cannot see myself being able to keep up with it, let alone having the motivation and will to do it for three years. I know university is meant to be hard but it is almost meant to be enjoyable and right now, I am not happy.

I wish there was some way of being able to look into the future and know whether or not I was making the right decision. I'd hate to have regrets in life. I want to be happy and I want to do things. In Sydney, I'm so lonely and I don't do things university students should be doing. It seems at uni that everyone is still friends with their high school friends outside of school, except one of my best friends is in England and the other back home in Batemans Bay. I hate spending the night sitting alone up in my room, on my computer, trying to do assignments but getting distracted, I wish I weren't so socially awkward. I feel like I don't relate to anyone here but then again, I really haven't made an effort to try and fit in.

I don't even know what I want. I'm so confused with everything and I don't know how I can make things better for myself at all. I really just need help, and someone to talk to.